Living with Social Anxiety: Journal Entry #1

        Hello! Welcome back to another blogpost~

Some pre-announcement:

          Guess what? I’m finally re-branding my blog! Yay!

             (Well not totally re-branding in whole) Just some add-ons to this blog.  Of course, I’m still going to post book reviews and bookish stuff, my love for books and reading is eternal, no one could stop it! But starting today I’m also posting mental health related blog posts and anything my mind could made up to. Also looking forward on posting album reviews in the future! Going in for diversity folks!


            So going back to the main post, based from the title y’all already know what this post is going to be about. I’ve been thinking about doing this kind of post for a veryyyy long time now. There are just 2 things which hinders me from writing about it, one is time and the other one is courage.

            One reason for making this blog is to actually advocate about mental illness and to remove the stigma going on around it, so me being vulnerable and showing what I’m personally going through is one step towards it. I chose to write about this to show my vulnerable side and inform others what social anxiety is actually about, what it feels like to live with this kind of mental illness.

            Of course, this post isn’t the EXACT representation of social anxiety, it could vary to many people, this is solely based from my personal experience with social anxiety.

            I was never diagnosed with social anxiety by a professional psychologist or counselor. But my day-to-day lifestyle is starting to get affected by this fear so I’m regarding myself living with social anxiety, still I would love to get in touch with professionals about it.




            I think this is one of the biggest misconceptions about social anxiety, that people with social anxiety are just shy, when in fact it is one of the effects of social anxiety. (P.s. Not all shy people have social anxiety, and not all people who have social anxiety tend to be shy. But it does have a relationship in some aspect). Social Anxiety is more than being shy, it’s a fear. Fear of being judged and criticized by other people. In result, people withdraw back from social life to avoid these judgement and criticisms. It’s the fear of people having very bad impressions towards themselves just because of a simple action or mistake.



            My social anxiety gets triggered mostly when there’s a lot of people around. I feel like hundreds of eyes are constantly looking at me, waiting for me to make a mistake or something embarrassing. I feel like most of the time there’s something wrong about me like a dirt in my face, something odd in my hair or even my impurities which people are constantly criticizing every time I’m around. I feel conscious about what I look like in front of a lot of people.

            That’s why most of the time I need someone to go with me in a social event, at least 1 person who wouldn’t leave me there to die in agony from peoples’ stares. Someone who I trust with that would never judge me for what I look and act like. It’s already enough for me.



            Another part of my social anxiety is me constantly degrading myself, I was never that good in making conversations in chat, so I don’t do that often. I always feel like I’m too boring for conversations, that my thoughts are unnecessary and it’s better for me to just shut up and never disturb anyone.

            Of course, my friends would always remind me that these thoughts are not right, but sometimes I can’t help myself from thinking about thoughts like this, so I just isolate myself for the better good. I reply for a veryyy long time or I don’t reply at all, but it doesn’t mean I’m mad or not, it’s just my anxiety so don’t be offended.

            This only implies on online messages, I really much want to interact with acquaintances and my closest friends in real life, I don’t have any problem with that. I’ve always valued real life interaction more than just chatting virtually. Of course, y’all can still message me anytime if you want! I’m still very open with online friendships and more, it’s just that sometimes my anxiety strikes so socializing is hard.



          I often come out as someone who is rude and stubborn because of my reserve attitude. Believe me, I badly want to connect with other people and be friends with them, but my social anxiety says that I’m not the most likable person to socialize. That people would rather do anything than talk to me, that there’s nothing special about my existence which seems to be likable by anyone. That’s why I tend to just be quiet and stick with my close friends. A conversation wouldn’t start if the other person wouldn’t act first.



            With the support of my friends and family,  I’m starting to work out on how to get rid of this social anxiety. If I were given another life without this, without a doubt I WOULD grab that chance. Just like any other mental illness, this does take time. It takes time to recover and finally be able to live freely without this cage which pulls you down. It’s a process, and step-by-step we can all get through with this.

I’m fully aware of all the toxic traits and things I have done because of my social anxiety. Step-by-step i’m starting to acknowledge and work out on them, even though it’s hard. This post is not made to reason them all out. Mental Illness is real and you wouldn’t know the feeling until you’re the one who is experiencing it.



Overall, I must say it’s really hard to write these kind of posts, but I’m also relieved to be finally getting it all out. Writing truly is therapeutic and can relieve stress and everything you’re feeling at the moment!

This post is only the start of the numerous blog posts I would publish for mental health! Thanks for dropping by!

Let’s continue the discussion on the comments!

See you on the next blog post~

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2 thoughts on “Living with Social Anxiety: Journal Entry #1

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